When “It’s Not Fair” Is Holding You Back
Let’s talk about something leaders rarely admit out loud but almost everyone feels...
“This is so unfair.”
We all have our versions:
“Why am I stuck doing the tedious budget updates while others get the ‘fun’ strategic projects?”
“Why do they get exceptions to the rules & I don’t?”
“Why did my peer get promoted when I’ve put in just as much effort?”
“Why is their team fully staffed while I’m doing the work of three people?!”
“Why did their job search wrap up in 3 weeks and mine has dragged for months?”
We love to camp out in the unfairness tent where we tell the story again and again AND AGAIN...
...not only to ourselves, but to friends, and really to anyone who will listen. We can even start to feel like the victim in our own career story.
The problem? Nothing changes while we’re there.
The way out isn’t waiting for someone to fix it for us. It’s taking ownership of what we can control and acting on it.
I’m not immune to the wallowing (believe me, I’ve visited that campfire plenty of times). But here’s what I’ve learned about being in that space...
While wallowing feels satisfying in the moment, it always leaves you stuck. Ownership is what moves you forward. Every single time.
What Is Ownership?
Ownership is one of the six core leadership behaviors I teach in both my Foundations of Leadership and Leading Through Complexity leadership programs.
Here's how I break it down ⤵️
Definition:
Taking full responsibility for your actions, decisions, and the outcomes of your team. Leaders with ownership don’t blame external factors, they focus on solutions.
What it looks like:
Acknowledging mistakes openly + focusing on solutions
Taking full responsibility for decisions, whether they succeed or fail
Setting a tone of accountability AND transparency
Empowering others to own their responsibilities
What it sounds like:
“That’s on me, I should have been clearer.”
“Here’s what I learned from this mistake, and here’s what we’ll do differently going forward.”
“What can I do to better support you in succeeding?”
What it feels like:
Empowered, NOT defensive
Confident in leading by example
Surrounded by a culture of trust & accountability
My real-life example:
I’m going to get a little vulnerable here to show how I, too, have struggled with ownership, specifically around my health journey.
Since 2020, I’ve struggled with my weight. Like many during the pandemic, I gained some extra pounds.
Over the years, I tried different approaches from a restrictive nutrition plan (worked for a while, but wasn’t sustainable), doctor’s recommendations, countless wellness podcasts/books, etc.
And at one point, I became convinced something else must be going on that was keeping me from reaching my goals. Maybe it was my thyroid. Maybe some hidden hormonal imbalance. I even got full functional testing done (which I do recommend for clarity).
The results? Everything was normal. It wasn’t an invisible outside force. It was me looking for an external reason instead of focusing on what I could control.
What was in my control? Things like not setting myself up with such restrictive plans that I inevitably abandoned, or shifting my focus from how I looked to how I felt.
When I started taking true ownership of my health by building sustainable habits, setting realistic goals, and accepting this as a marathon, not a sprint things began to change (still a work in progress over here!).
And while my example is personal, the principle is universal. The leaders I admire most show the same kind of ownership in far higher-stakes situations.
Leadership Lessons showcasing true ownership
Gene Kranz, Apollo 13
When an oxygen tank exploded on the Apollo 13 mission, NASA’s Flight Director Gene Kranz could have blamed a dozen external factors. Instead, he took immediate ownership, directing every ounce of his team’s focus toward one goal: get the crew home alive. No excuses. Just solutions.
JP Saxe, Grammy-Nominated Artist
Recently, JP Saxe canceled his tour. Not because of illness or scheduling conflicts, but because he wasn’t selling enough tickets. He didn’t sugarcoat it. He told fans the truth: his music wasn’t resonating widely enough right now to fill those venues. That level of honesty takes courage AND ownership.
3 Actions You Can Take
Spot the trap. Notice when you’re looping in “it’s unfair” thinking.
Name your control points. What pieces of this situation are in your control?
Choose 1–2 actions. Shift from frustration to forward motion by acting on those things.
It’s definitely not easy. But leaders who live in ownership instead of unfairness are the ones who move their teams and themselves forward.