You’re not going to be for everyone…
Have you ever walked into a room, shared an idea, and felt the air shift?
Maybe someone rolled their eyes.
Maybe you got the dreaded, “I don’t think that’s the right direction.”
Or the feedback you received felt more like a judgment of you than your actual work.
And before you know it, you’re 8 years old again, standing on the playground, realizing you weren’t picked for the game.
That sting? It doesn’t just fade with age. Even as adults, especially at work, we feel the pull of what researchers call the likeability trap, where we contort ourselves to earn approval, instead of focusing on our impact.
But leading well has never been about being liked. It’s about being effective, authentic, and willing to take action.
How to step out of the likeability trap
When I finish a keynote, workshop, or program, I always ask for feedback. Some of it is glowing. Some of it is tough. And some of it… well, it stings.
My first instinct is to shrink back into that 8-year-old Brittany who wonders, “Why don’t they like me?”
But I've learned a really important distinction over the years: opinions about me as a person are not the same as feedback on my work.
❌ Opinion about me: “You’re too positive. You're far too happy all the time. I can't take you seriously.”
✔️ Feedback on my work: “You were speaking really fast and it was hard to keep up with what you were saying.”
❌ Opinion about me: “You’re too ambitious.”
✔️ Feedback on my work: “It would help if you gave more space for quieter team members to share.”
See the difference? One attacks who you are, the other critiques what you did. One is about preference, the other is about performance.
And research shows this isn’t just anecdotal. A study of high-performing women found that 88% receive feedback on their personality rather than their actual performance. Men, on the other hand, are far more likely to receive constructive notes directly tied to their work.
That’s where the likeability trap comes in. Women, especially, are told to bend, soften, or adjust to be more “likable.”
But in reality you don’t need to be liked by everyone, you need to make a meaningful impact through the work you do.
So the next time you find yourself caught in the swirl of other people’s opinions, pause and ask yourself:
Did I do my best?
Did I stay curious and take in what’s useful?
Am I still growing?
Did I make an impact in some way, even if it was small?
Did I learn something from this?
Those are the questions that actually matter and they shift your focus from approval to impact. And when you filter feedback this way, you stop contorting yourself for likeability and start using feedback as fuel for impact.