Why we want to blame others when something goes wrong
We’ve all been there right? That moment when something unexpectedly goes in the wrong direction. Maybe you assigned someone on your team to complete a project and what you get back is far from what you were hoping to see. Maybe you show up for a meeting and you thought it started at a certain time but it turns out, it really started an hour earlier. Maybe you thought you had spelled it out to your family that you had too much going on to hangout this weekend but then get a text asking why you aren’t at this or that family gathering.
Whatever the situation, it all comes down to miscommunication. And when miscommunication occurs our typical first instinct is to place the blame — on anyone but yourself.
But are you really so innocent in the situation that it can be boiled down to someone else’s error? Most likely not. The truth is, the miscommunication most likely is a result of YOU. You not being clear(you may have thought you were, but were you really really clear?), you not reiterating in multiple ways(just because you communicated via email doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also communicate verbally and vice versa.) You not relaying the important details or most up-to-date information. You not really being honest(you may have asked for one thing, done a certain way, but was that what you really wanted to see.)
It’s easier to place the blame on others because it gives us the illusion of being off the hook. Of it being someone else’s problem or lack of HARD WORK, ATTENTION TO DETAIL, SKILL (you fill in the blank). The problem is though, when we immediately go towards placing that blame on others, it doesn’t really solve anything — instead it usually results in more miscommunication snafu’s in the future that likely fall into a similar category. So how do we solve for This?
We take back the ownership of blame and turn inward — we look to ourselves.
I firmly believe that 80% of the time when a miscommunication occurs that it’s OUR FAULT.
Yes, you read that correctly. I believe we must first correct our actions before we can blame anyone else. The first step? Get curious and ask ourselves questions when a miscommunication occurs. A few of my favorites include:
Was I crystal clear? | This means that without a shadow of a doubt what I communicated made absolute perfect sense and no holes or confusion could be made.
Did the circumstance change and you forgot to pass along the new details? | Did you have your team running hard on a particular project only to hear from leadership that they want you to take it in a completely different direction but you forgot to relay this over to your team? Make sure that as things get re-prioritized, circumstances or new information is available, that you’re passing that along.
Were you honest? | I don’t believe any of us intentionally lie, but I do think that we sometimes don’t ask for exactly what we want. Maybe we want to be the boss that’s also the cool friend so we don’t set up enough guardrails at the onset of a new hire, but in-fact it is really important that your team arrives at a certain time each day. Whatever your example is, it’s vitally important to be honest and upfront about your intentions.
And what of the other 20% you may be thinking. Well that 20% is other people’s perceptions of a situation or the lens in which they see things. This is truly the part of the miscommunication that we can’t control, which is why we focus our energy on the 80% — the area we can most make an impact on.
I hope you take this questions and re-think your next miscommunication, turning it into a positive situation to learn more about yourself and improve the way that you communicate with those around you.